Dude...

I totally failed at this. I wanted to keep up with it, and I want my writing to take priority, but my writing suffered when I became to busy to take the time to do it. I need to start spending less time in front of the television and more time working on my dreams and ambitions.

I feel like I've kind of hit an impasse with where I want to go in life. I don't know if I want to stay in higher education or if I want to go after the dream of editing and teaching literature courses. I feel like I'm in a good place with my life. I enjoy my job. I love being close to my family and I can even see the horizon of financial stability. I want to be more than what people see. I want to continue to strive for excellence...and I want to find my way into the world that's out there for me.

Resolutions

I have a habit of making lists that I never actually get around to getting around to. I make lists of what I want to do for a day, a week, in five years...but I am standing here at a year and a half away from my 30th birthday and I think it's about time to stop playing around and start getting down to business. I want to get serious about the changes I want to see in my life I want to write the words down in a place that I will constantly come back to and see them staring back at me. Does that mean I'll actually get them accomplished? I don't know...but it's worth a shot, right?

-I want to get back to God. I have been running for so long and I had finally gotten to a good place and then, just as easily I slipped back into a routine that continually pulled me away from him. I want to spend time in devotions and prayer every day. I want to find a church that I feel comfortable in and that allows me to worship freely.

-I want to finally lose this weight that I have said for years that I would lose and have instead gained more that I need to lose. I want to get up every morning and work out. I want to eat right, not just because it's the right thing to do, but because one day when I do have a family I want them to come into this world with health a priority and life to be lived without the self-confidence issues I've always faced, and I need to find that balance now so that my children never have to. I want to enjoy going to the gym...I want it to be something I do even when I don't feel like it because I know it's what I need to do. I want to be strong...and I really, really, really want to start dancing again. I miss being able to let dance be the way I express myself other than writing.

-I want to write! I want to make writing a daily part of my routine. I want to finish a novel. I want to write something meaningful. I want to blog on a regular basis. I need to write. I need to get these words out of my head and on to the pages. No one in this world ever has to see them, or appreciate them, but this is something I need to do for me.

-I want to have deeper, more meaningful relationships with people. I want to be ok with not having a "group of friends" that I hang out with all the time, as long as I can have friendships that are lasting...that will last despite distance and time. I want to know that if my friend moves to Africa, we will still be friends because the relationship we have now is more than hanging out...but something real and deep that is strong and will hold up against all odds.

-I want to stop being so hard on myself. I want to be able to admit that sometimes things hurt me and that I don't always have to be perfect for everyone...I just have to be me. I get so tired of trying to live up to some standard that I have in my head that I think everyone is expecting me to live up to...but I'm the only who has to live with my choices and who I am...so I want to stop thinking about other people as much...and think about myself a little more.

I think those will be the things I will start on. I want to live a life that I can one day look back and be proud of. I need to stop missing out because I'm too scared. I am looking forward to these next few months...because it is my goal to make my life a better thing before the end of the year...I guess you could call this my mid-year's resolution list. :)

Holding It Together

I feel slightly overwhelmed. I used to think that I knew what I wanted in life. I thought that my life would follow a formula and that's the way things would go and there wouldn't be any variations to the pattern. I thought that I would turn 18 and I would be an adult and move out of my parent's house and go to school and be a successful writer and get married and have two kids and that right now my life would be "perfect"...needless to say...that was NOT the way my life would go.

Please don't get me wrong. I am absolutely thrilled that my life went in a different direction. Before I even turned 18 I had the greatest heartbreak of my life. I don't usually think about it like this, but I truly believe that changed my life. Since then I have learned a lot about myself. I have become a stronger and more independent person. I have learned to love who I am and enjoy being me. It's taken me a long time to get to this point.

In the last couple of months here are some things that I've learned about myself, some of which I already knew and some of which are new to me. I am a people-pleaser. I want to make people happy. This is something that I've always known about myself, but these last two months have taught me the detriment of this attribute. By trying to always make everyone else happy, I tend to sacrifice my own happiness, and this in turn breeds resentment towards the people I am trying to please. It's a vicious cycle when you look at it like that. By sacrificing what I want, for what others want I am placing myself in a situation that will only lead to making someone unhappy. I have to learn that it is ok to not always make everyone love me every second of every day.

Another thing that I have learned about myself...I prefer solo sports for the mere fact that if I lose, I know that it's my fault. When I was younger and I played team sports, if we ever lost I would spend the rest of the time contemplating how the loss was completely my fault. I never took in to account that other people on the team attributed to the mistakes that caused the team to lose, nor did I take into account the strengths that gave the other team an advantage over us. I would spend countless hours deciding that the loss was completely my fault and that everyone on the team would be justified for hating my guts. Currently, I am having to learn that I am not always at fault. This is a really hard lesson for me to learn. One of the reasons I have enjoyed being single (I'm learning) is that if things go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself. Now, when things go wrong, I still blame myself, even if I'm not the one at fault. This is the hardest thing that I'm dealing with at the moment.

I was talking to God the other day on my way home from somewhere. I said that I felt as though I were a horrible daughter. I complain when I don't have someone because I think I'm being punished, and then when I do have someone, I complain that I miss being single.

I have an amazing life, and sometimes I feel like "If it's not broken, don't fix it" applies to my love life. I have been completely content being single, and now that I have added someone else to the mix I don't know that I'm handling it all that well. I used to think that this is what would make me feel like my life was finally coming together, but to be really honest, I feel as though I am completely falling apart.

I have this amazing guy in my life. He treats me well and he loves me so much, but I still feel as though I am failing. There should be more that I can do. I shouldn't feel this way.

I just keep trying to figure out what to do, how to handle things and how to not completely fall apart.

Sometimes We Have Growing Pains...

So...I'm almost 28 and I finally feel as though I might be able to be considered an adult. It's funny how we think, when we are younger, that we have it all figured out. Life is going to go a certain way, and we know everything. We know what we want to do, who we want to be with and who we are. We believe that life is a road stretching out before us and that the miles and miles we have to travel before we get to the end are many in number. There is no concept of life being a continual race with the end result being death. To us, death is something that happens when you get to the end of your life, not something that happens when your life has just begun. We are invincible, and we are in complete control.

My life is NOTHING like I imagined it would be. I am NOT a journalist making it in the Big Apple, writing for a magazine. I am NOT married to the man of my dreams, and I am NOT a mother. Instead I AM a strong and independent woman who has goals and ambitions that are yet to be obtained. I AM sure of who I am and I AM on my way to seeing greater things than I ever could have imagined, or even hoped for. My life is NOTHING like I imagined. It is SO MUCH BETTER!

I sat down this afternoon at lunch and talked to my sister about growing. It is not always easy to grow. When we were little and we started to get taller, they called those growing pains. Any area in our lives that demands growth requires pain. Until recently I had put myself into situations where any guy would fit into my plans of a future mate, and if they didn't, I made my life fit around their future plans. Right now, there is a guy in my life who is absolutely amazing. Honestly, I couldn't say one bad thing about him, but I know that his goals and dreams do not line up with my goals and dreams. A few years ago, this wouldn't have mattered. I would have pursued the relationship anyways. I would have gone after it with everything I had, and then I would have been hurt and it wouldn't have ended well. Instead, I have grown in this area. I know now that there is someone amazing out there that will be perfect for him, and that there is someone out there who is amazing and will be perfect for me. (To be fair, the waiting for this to happen, that is not an area in my life I have allowed myself to grow in, but I'm working on it.)

I have gotten to this point in my life where I am comfortable admitting to the fact that I don't know everything. I don't know where my life is going to end up. I don't know who I will spend the rest of my life with and I have no clue when things will fall in to place in every area of my life. I do know that I love my life, I am comfortable in my own skin, and I am blessed to be surrounded by so many who love me. It's amazing that it has taken me so long to grow this much, but I am so thankful for the lessons I've learned and for everything that is ahead of me.

Here I Am. Send Me.

Have you ever had someone interested in you, and you just couldn't figure out what they saw in you? Or why it was that they would even be interested in you? Maybe you all have a confidence I just haven't quite learned how to hone, or maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about. I wonder sometimes how God can love me. Used to, I didn't have that problem. I was like Mary Poppins, "Practically Perfect in Every Way." I thought I had this whole being a Christian thing down. It was so easy for me. It was what I did best. Being a Christian was what my life was about. The older I got, the less my life was about being a Christian. I became the curly headed girl who makes announcements in chapel. The SGA President. The Admissions Counselor. The Teacher. The Nanny. The girlfriend. The girl who lies to her parents. The girl who chooses to stop at life. The girl who tried to kill herself. The girl who no longer cared. The girl who was more concerned about finding a guy than become the woman he needs her to be. I totally lost everything I thought that I knew. I became a stranger to myself.

How do we get so wrapped up in life that we forget what we are living for? It shouldn't be difficult. I know, without a doubt that God is real. People can argue with me, they can tell me I'm wrong, but I know that He is real and that He loves me. What I don't understand, is how. His love is the most beautiful thing in this world. I have experienced it. How then, can I just let it all go. I think at some point we all choose to disappoint. With me, it was little things. Then the little things turned in to bigger things and then I didn't know how to make it stop. I wanted to. I tried. I just wasn't strong enough.

I told a friend of mine the other day that it was like house cleaning. Every day things need to be done to keep a house tidy. One day you come in and you see dishes on the table, but you're too tired to clean up, so you think to yourself, I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and now, not only do you have to dishes to do, but the laundry needs to be done as well. Every time you put something off, more things are added to your to do list. It gets exhausting and at some point you decide that you would rather live in the filth than spend any more time trying to clean it all up. I think that's where I've let my life go. I just got so tired of trying to clean that I just stopped. I don't know at what point we look around and think, this is ridiculous, but I know that's the point where I have been, and still am. I'm tired of living in a house that isn't clean. Of course, now that it's all been sitting here for a while it will be harder to clean, but it will look so much better once it's done. There's just something about a clean house that helps you breathe easier.

God is so amazing. His unconditional love is never deserved, but freely given. I am blessed to be a child of God. I think that from now on I want to do one thing well, and that is to be a Christian. I want it to be who I am, not what I am. I'm so tired of being a passive. I want to be active. I've been stagnant for far too long. I can never go back to what I was, but I can go forward to something more than I have been. I'm looking forward to the day when I can realize that all I've been through in the last year made me a better person. I didn't plan for this, but God knew what He was doing, and He still knows. I am not anywhere near practically perfect, but I don't think He needs to me to be. God works through the imperfect vessel. I'm willing to be that vessel. Here I am Lord. Send me.

Tell Them What They Want to Hear

I remember a time when I was younger. A watch was broken. It was a nice watch, but it belonged to either me or my sister. It had a brown wristband, gold framing, and Minnie Mouse with a red polka dot dress in the center of the face. I think I remember all of this in such great detail because it was such a big part of me, to take on what others couldn't, or wouldn't, and because of the many lessons I have gleaned from it over the years. You see, my parents came to us. They wanted to know who had broken the watch. We stood there, each in turn, telling them that we had not been the one to do it. At one point I realized that this would not end until someone admitted to doing it, so, I took up a burden that was not mine and told them that I was the one that broke the watch. I got a spanking for it. One thing I don't remember; if we ever figured out who actually did it.

There are times when we tell people what they want to hear, because that is easier than telling them what is really going on, or what you really think. "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" In our head we say, "You don't need those jeans for that," in reality we say, "No, they look amazing." Sometimes it is necessary to tell someone what they need to hear as opposed to what's really going on in your head. But I think it is easy to get in the habit of doing this. It goes hand in hand with my constant need of approval and people pleasing persona. I am constantly telling people what they want to hear.

I'm good with people. I always have been. There are times when I can read people like a book. I can tell what they like and who they are as a person just by spending a little time with them. I can tell what makes them tick, and most of the time I can figure out what they need to hear in order to accept me, want me, love me, befriend me, notice me, or trust me. I have a way of getting people to open up to me, to tell me things they wouldn't tell other people. I love this about who God has made me, but there are times when I feel that who I am is so fake.

The last few days have been very eye opening for me. I feel that I put on this mask and carry it around. I pull it out when I need to, for whatever occasion I feel fit. I have let this be who I am. I am so SICK of that. Today at church, during worship, I just let go. I don't want to hold back anymore. I am tired of being this half alive person who tells everyone exactly what they need to hear in order to approve of me. I am who God made me to be, and if people are offended by that, then God will allow me to deal with it as it happens. I am done with this half-hearted attempt to be something I was not called to be. I have known for almost seven years what God has called me to do, but I have been running. Not because I am scared that I will fail, but because I am scared to succeed.

Here is a quote from Maryanne Williamson that touches on that:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I am choosing now to let my light shine. I will no longer be afraid of the success that is laid before me. I will no longer tell people what they want to hear for the sake of keeping the peace. I must choose to live a life worthy of my Savior, of my King. I choose today to live!

Love?

Here are some quotes that make me smile...and some that make me want to cry...

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” ~Unknown

“Love is being stupid together.” ~Paul Valery quotes

'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to? ~Unknown

It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. ~Agatha Christie

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. ~Unknown

Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry. ~Unknown

Love that we cannot have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest... ~Unknown

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.
~Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. ~Bruce Lee

I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know. ~Unknown

Love is something that eludes me. I never understand it really. I kind of wonder what it would be like to be in love. My friend asked me the other day if I had been in love with my first boyfriend, and I paused to think about it. I know that if I ever thought that I was in love with him, it was an immature love. I know that I have never been in love, but I look forward to the day that I am.