Resolutions

I have a habit of making lists that I never actually get around to getting around to. I make lists of what I want to do for a day, a week, in five years...but I am standing here at a year and a half away from my 30th birthday and I think it's about time to stop playing around and start getting down to business. I want to get serious about the changes I want to see in my life I want to write the words down in a place that I will constantly come back to and see them staring back at me. Does that mean I'll actually get them accomplished? I don't know...but it's worth a shot, right?

-I want to get back to God. I have been running for so long and I had finally gotten to a good place and then, just as easily I slipped back into a routine that continually pulled me away from him. I want to spend time in devotions and prayer every day. I want to find a church that I feel comfortable in and that allows me to worship freely.

-I want to finally lose this weight that I have said for years that I would lose and have instead gained more that I need to lose. I want to get up every morning and work out. I want to eat right, not just because it's the right thing to do, but because one day when I do have a family I want them to come into this world with health a priority and life to be lived without the self-confidence issues I've always faced, and I need to find that balance now so that my children never have to. I want to enjoy going to the gym...I want it to be something I do even when I don't feel like it because I know it's what I need to do. I want to be strong...and I really, really, really want to start dancing again. I miss being able to let dance be the way I express myself other than writing.

-I want to write! I want to make writing a daily part of my routine. I want to finish a novel. I want to write something meaningful. I want to blog on a regular basis. I need to write. I need to get these words out of my head and on to the pages. No one in this world ever has to see them, or appreciate them, but this is something I need to do for me.

-I want to have deeper, more meaningful relationships with people. I want to be ok with not having a "group of friends" that I hang out with all the time, as long as I can have friendships that are lasting...that will last despite distance and time. I want to know that if my friend moves to Africa, we will still be friends because the relationship we have now is more than hanging out...but something real and deep that is strong and will hold up against all odds.

-I want to stop being so hard on myself. I want to be able to admit that sometimes things hurt me and that I don't always have to be perfect for everyone...I just have to be me. I get so tired of trying to live up to some standard that I have in my head that I think everyone is expecting me to live up to...but I'm the only who has to live with my choices and who I am...so I want to stop thinking about other people as much...and think about myself a little more.

I think those will be the things I will start on. I want to live a life that I can one day look back and be proud of. I need to stop missing out because I'm too scared. I am looking forward to these next few months...because it is my goal to make my life a better thing before the end of the year...I guess you could call this my mid-year's resolution list. :)

Holding It Together

I feel slightly overwhelmed. I used to think that I knew what I wanted in life. I thought that my life would follow a formula and that's the way things would go and there wouldn't be any variations to the pattern. I thought that I would turn 18 and I would be an adult and move out of my parent's house and go to school and be a successful writer and get married and have two kids and that right now my life would be "perfect"...needless to say...that was NOT the way my life would go.

Please don't get me wrong. I am absolutely thrilled that my life went in a different direction. Before I even turned 18 I had the greatest heartbreak of my life. I don't usually think about it like this, but I truly believe that changed my life. Since then I have learned a lot about myself. I have become a stronger and more independent person. I have learned to love who I am and enjoy being me. It's taken me a long time to get to this point.

In the last couple of months here are some things that I've learned about myself, some of which I already knew and some of which are new to me. I am a people-pleaser. I want to make people happy. This is something that I've always known about myself, but these last two months have taught me the detriment of this attribute. By trying to always make everyone else happy, I tend to sacrifice my own happiness, and this in turn breeds resentment towards the people I am trying to please. It's a vicious cycle when you look at it like that. By sacrificing what I want, for what others want I am placing myself in a situation that will only lead to making someone unhappy. I have to learn that it is ok to not always make everyone love me every second of every day.

Another thing that I have learned about myself...I prefer solo sports for the mere fact that if I lose, I know that it's my fault. When I was younger and I played team sports, if we ever lost I would spend the rest of the time contemplating how the loss was completely my fault. I never took in to account that other people on the team attributed to the mistakes that caused the team to lose, nor did I take into account the strengths that gave the other team an advantage over us. I would spend countless hours deciding that the loss was completely my fault and that everyone on the team would be justified for hating my guts. Currently, I am having to learn that I am not always at fault. This is a really hard lesson for me to learn. One of the reasons I have enjoyed being single (I'm learning) is that if things go wrong, I have no one to blame but myself. Now, when things go wrong, I still blame myself, even if I'm not the one at fault. This is the hardest thing that I'm dealing with at the moment.

I was talking to God the other day on my way home from somewhere. I said that I felt as though I were a horrible daughter. I complain when I don't have someone because I think I'm being punished, and then when I do have someone, I complain that I miss being single.

I have an amazing life, and sometimes I feel like "If it's not broken, don't fix it" applies to my love life. I have been completely content being single, and now that I have added someone else to the mix I don't know that I'm handling it all that well. I used to think that this is what would make me feel like my life was finally coming together, but to be really honest, I feel as though I am completely falling apart.

I have this amazing guy in my life. He treats me well and he loves me so much, but I still feel as though I am failing. There should be more that I can do. I shouldn't feel this way.

I just keep trying to figure out what to do, how to handle things and how to not completely fall apart.

Sometimes We Have Growing Pains...

So...I'm almost 28 and I finally feel as though I might be able to be considered an adult. It's funny how we think, when we are younger, that we have it all figured out. Life is going to go a certain way, and we know everything. We know what we want to do, who we want to be with and who we are. We believe that life is a road stretching out before us and that the miles and miles we have to travel before we get to the end are many in number. There is no concept of life being a continual race with the end result being death. To us, death is something that happens when you get to the end of your life, not something that happens when your life has just begun. We are invincible, and we are in complete control.

My life is NOTHING like I imagined it would be. I am NOT a journalist making it in the Big Apple, writing for a magazine. I am NOT married to the man of my dreams, and I am NOT a mother. Instead I AM a strong and independent woman who has goals and ambitions that are yet to be obtained. I AM sure of who I am and I AM on my way to seeing greater things than I ever could have imagined, or even hoped for. My life is NOTHING like I imagined. It is SO MUCH BETTER!

I sat down this afternoon at lunch and talked to my sister about growing. It is not always easy to grow. When we were little and we started to get taller, they called those growing pains. Any area in our lives that demands growth requires pain. Until recently I had put myself into situations where any guy would fit into my plans of a future mate, and if they didn't, I made my life fit around their future plans. Right now, there is a guy in my life who is absolutely amazing. Honestly, I couldn't say one bad thing about him, but I know that his goals and dreams do not line up with my goals and dreams. A few years ago, this wouldn't have mattered. I would have pursued the relationship anyways. I would have gone after it with everything I had, and then I would have been hurt and it wouldn't have ended well. Instead, I have grown in this area. I know now that there is someone amazing out there that will be perfect for him, and that there is someone out there who is amazing and will be perfect for me. (To be fair, the waiting for this to happen, that is not an area in my life I have allowed myself to grow in, but I'm working on it.)

I have gotten to this point in my life where I am comfortable admitting to the fact that I don't know everything. I don't know where my life is going to end up. I don't know who I will spend the rest of my life with and I have no clue when things will fall in to place in every area of my life. I do know that I love my life, I am comfortable in my own skin, and I am blessed to be surrounded by so many who love me. It's amazing that it has taken me so long to grow this much, but I am so thankful for the lessons I've learned and for everything that is ahead of me.

Here I Am. Send Me.

Have you ever had someone interested in you, and you just couldn't figure out what they saw in you? Or why it was that they would even be interested in you? Maybe you all have a confidence I just haven't quite learned how to hone, or maybe you know exactly what I'm talking about. I wonder sometimes how God can love me. Used to, I didn't have that problem. I was like Mary Poppins, "Practically Perfect in Every Way." I thought I had this whole being a Christian thing down. It was so easy for me. It was what I did best. Being a Christian was what my life was about. The older I got, the less my life was about being a Christian. I became the curly headed girl who makes announcements in chapel. The SGA President. The Admissions Counselor. The Teacher. The Nanny. The girlfriend. The girl who lies to her parents. The girl who chooses to stop at life. The girl who tried to kill herself. The girl who no longer cared. The girl who was more concerned about finding a guy than become the woman he needs her to be. I totally lost everything I thought that I knew. I became a stranger to myself.

How do we get so wrapped up in life that we forget what we are living for? It shouldn't be difficult. I know, without a doubt that God is real. People can argue with me, they can tell me I'm wrong, but I know that He is real and that He loves me. What I don't understand, is how. His love is the most beautiful thing in this world. I have experienced it. How then, can I just let it all go. I think at some point we all choose to disappoint. With me, it was little things. Then the little things turned in to bigger things and then I didn't know how to make it stop. I wanted to. I tried. I just wasn't strong enough.

I told a friend of mine the other day that it was like house cleaning. Every day things need to be done to keep a house tidy. One day you come in and you see dishes on the table, but you're too tired to clean up, so you think to yourself, I'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and now, not only do you have to dishes to do, but the laundry needs to be done as well. Every time you put something off, more things are added to your to do list. It gets exhausting and at some point you decide that you would rather live in the filth than spend any more time trying to clean it all up. I think that's where I've let my life go. I just got so tired of trying to clean that I just stopped. I don't know at what point we look around and think, this is ridiculous, but I know that's the point where I have been, and still am. I'm tired of living in a house that isn't clean. Of course, now that it's all been sitting here for a while it will be harder to clean, but it will look so much better once it's done. There's just something about a clean house that helps you breathe easier.

God is so amazing. His unconditional love is never deserved, but freely given. I am blessed to be a child of God. I think that from now on I want to do one thing well, and that is to be a Christian. I want it to be who I am, not what I am. I'm so tired of being a passive. I want to be active. I've been stagnant for far too long. I can never go back to what I was, but I can go forward to something more than I have been. I'm looking forward to the day when I can realize that all I've been through in the last year made me a better person. I didn't plan for this, but God knew what He was doing, and He still knows. I am not anywhere near practically perfect, but I don't think He needs to me to be. God works through the imperfect vessel. I'm willing to be that vessel. Here I am Lord. Send me.

Tell Them What They Want to Hear

I remember a time when I was younger. A watch was broken. It was a nice watch, but it belonged to either me or my sister. It had a brown wristband, gold framing, and Minnie Mouse with a red polka dot dress in the center of the face. I think I remember all of this in such great detail because it was such a big part of me, to take on what others couldn't, or wouldn't, and because of the many lessons I have gleaned from it over the years. You see, my parents came to us. They wanted to know who had broken the watch. We stood there, each in turn, telling them that we had not been the one to do it. At one point I realized that this would not end until someone admitted to doing it, so, I took up a burden that was not mine and told them that I was the one that broke the watch. I got a spanking for it. One thing I don't remember; if we ever figured out who actually did it.

There are times when we tell people what they want to hear, because that is easier than telling them what is really going on, or what you really think. "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" In our head we say, "You don't need those jeans for that," in reality we say, "No, they look amazing." Sometimes it is necessary to tell someone what they need to hear as opposed to what's really going on in your head. But I think it is easy to get in the habit of doing this. It goes hand in hand with my constant need of approval and people pleasing persona. I am constantly telling people what they want to hear.

I'm good with people. I always have been. There are times when I can read people like a book. I can tell what they like and who they are as a person just by spending a little time with them. I can tell what makes them tick, and most of the time I can figure out what they need to hear in order to accept me, want me, love me, befriend me, notice me, or trust me. I have a way of getting people to open up to me, to tell me things they wouldn't tell other people. I love this about who God has made me, but there are times when I feel that who I am is so fake.

The last few days have been very eye opening for me. I feel that I put on this mask and carry it around. I pull it out when I need to, for whatever occasion I feel fit. I have let this be who I am. I am so SICK of that. Today at church, during worship, I just let go. I don't want to hold back anymore. I am tired of being this half alive person who tells everyone exactly what they need to hear in order to approve of me. I am who God made me to be, and if people are offended by that, then God will allow me to deal with it as it happens. I am done with this half-hearted attempt to be something I was not called to be. I have known for almost seven years what God has called me to do, but I have been running. Not because I am scared that I will fail, but because I am scared to succeed.

Here is a quote from Maryanne Williamson that touches on that:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I am choosing now to let my light shine. I will no longer be afraid of the success that is laid before me. I will no longer tell people what they want to hear for the sake of keeping the peace. I must choose to live a life worthy of my Savior, of my King. I choose today to live!

Love?

Here are some quotes that make me smile...and some that make me want to cry...

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” ~Unknown

“Love is being stupid together.” ~Paul Valery quotes

'You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to? ~Unknown

It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. ~Agatha Christie

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays. ~Unknown

Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry. ~Unknown

Love that we cannot have is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest and feels the strongest... ~Unknown

The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.
~Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. ~Bruce Lee

I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out. And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart. And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you. But those words may forever stay in my heart-locked inside. Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know. ~Unknown

Love is something that eludes me. I never understand it really. I kind of wonder what it would be like to be in love. My friend asked me the other day if I had been in love with my first boyfriend, and I paused to think about it. I know that if I ever thought that I was in love with him, it was an immature love. I know that I have never been in love, but I look forward to the day that I am.

Loving My Choice...

This may sound like a rant to some of you and possibly that all this is. I just feel that this is something I need to say...because I had to say it this weekend and it only served to build the intensity in my stance. Being single is not something that just happened to me. This is a choice for me. Don't get me wrong...I would love to be in the right relationship with an amazing guy, but that amazing guy hasn't walked into my life yet, and until he does...this being single thing...well it is my choice.

This person I talked to this weekend...I already knew how he perceived me..."Poor Jessica...I hope I don't end up like her...28 and alone." Actually he said that to me last night...It hurt me...because he made me feel as though being single was a bad thing. I have news for you...it isn't!

Yes, there are times when I would like to have someone to share certain moments with...but I feel that this is the time in my life where I am growing as a person. I sincerely believe that I have grown over the course of this year...I have learned that there is more to life than a relationship...I have learned to forgive and move on...life is too short to hold grudges...My life is my own...and I am able to take this time and give my all to God...to truly seek His will for my life...and I wouldn't trade that for anything...not even the right relationship...

The fact is...I could choose to be in a relationship right now...there have been many times in my life where I could have chosen that...but I don't want to be in just any relationship...I want to be in the right relationship...but I want God to take care of that...and I believe that He will...there is obviously a reason He wants me to be single right now...and while I can't see it today...one day I will be able to look back and realize that God brought me down this road for a reason...

For those of you who are single...stop feeling sorry for yourself...get out there and live life...who knows...maybe while you are busy living...God will bring someone amazing your way...maybe while you are single you can make the biggest changes, and those changes are what will propel you towards the love of your life…

For those of you who are married...don't worry about us singletons...we will be fine...you were...weren't you...let God write our love story...like He wrote yours...So many of you are an inspiration to me...keep loving one another and be an example to others...

To those of you who are too young to worry about whether you are single or in a relationship...don't let something that is meant for your future ruin your today...I look back and realize I let the thoughts of a relationship take up way too much of my time...enjoy life today...and let God handle tomorrow...It will happen…

Still loving my choice...
Jess

To Those Still Waiting

I wrote this quite some time ago when a really good friend of mine was going through a really hard time. Now you have to understand, my friend is a Belle fanatic (you know the Disney princess). I found a piece of paper at a scrapbooking store with Belle on it and knew I had to get it for her...I tried to figure out what I was going to do with it...I didn't want to just give her the paper...so I wrote this story. The more I read it, the more I realize that I was writing it for me, just as much as for her...but I hope you all get something out of it...God has something amazing, and His timing is perfect...I would rather be single now and wait for true love, then to be with someone and find out that it was never right to begin with. The older I get the more I realize that what I want and what God wants have to be the same thing, and I think that this story tells that perfectly.

The Princess Within
By: Jessica Buchanan

In a land far away there once was a beautiful princess who longed for more than what she had. Her life seemed ordinary and to her that was something she had never thought she would be. Every morning her life seemed to hold a routine. She woke, attended her duties, did what was required of her, fell asleep and began the same proceedings over again.

This princess could not see that her ordinary actions had extraordinary results. In the land of her Father there was a man, who unbeknownst to the princess, had been grooming his entire life to become her prince. Every morning he would wake and go before the King, asking what he must do to prepare for the princess. Every day this young man would work hard to become what he knew the princess would need.

As this happened, the princess began to question her Father. She continually asked why her prince had never come, and why she must keep waiting when all those around her were experiencing the love that she longed for. The King would quietly tell his daughter to be patient, and she would experience His very best.

As time went by the young man began to grow and developed a deeper relationship with the King, and the King watched the young man and knew that it was almost time. His daughter had a hard time understanding her wait, but He knew once she met her prince she would understand.

The day finally came when the young man would become a prince. When the princess heard of the glorious news she rejoiced, thanking her Father. When the two became one she understood why love had not come to her sooner. She had to learn to trust her Father, and He would bring her exactly what she needed.

So, young princess within, do not grow weary in your wait. Instead, trust your Father because he, not only knows what you need, but also knows when you need it. Love will come and when it does you will rejoice

Have you ever felt as though you have had the same experience twice? Tonight I felt as though I had a flashback of two months ago...It was amazing how the same exact feelings rushed over me. Feelings of confusion, anger and hurt all hit me with the same force as the time before. I just don't understand how I get myself into these situations...where I have made life so complicated. I still think this is all a distraction that satan has put me up against...because I truly believe that God has something big for me right now and satan knows it. He wants me to be distracted so that I cannot complete the work that God began in me. I refuse to doubt the promises that God has laid before me...I will continue to rejoice...no matter what the circumstances...

Here is a poem I wrote a while ago...I just want to get it out there...to have it down...out of my head and shared with my friends...

Words spoken without contemplation
Have caused my heart the aggravation
Of torture, anguish, sorrow, grief
From these things find I no relief.
That I laid to rest a love unspoken
That threatens now to never be awoken
Leaves me with the bitter thought of this,
To never find love lost or that love's first kiss.

I've never known love to be absolute
And so I have chosen to be resolute
In my findings. I've stood unyielding
All along my heart I've been shielding
From the pain that has damaged my existence.
As for the reason of my resistence,
I've been unable to believe in love so pure
Thus when it was spoken I was unsure.

Won't you please hear my feeble cry?
My heart is broken, and so am I,
To think your affection would waver
Because of a conviction which did quaver.
Do not let these mistaken words once stated
Be the source of a friendship dissuaded.
I do not know myself untrue
Please know that if I could I would all undo.

Second chances are not my lot in life
And so in these words I rid myself of strife.
You can only love so long without love in return
This is a lesson I have woefully learned.
In these truths I reveal my soul
Knowing the time has come for me to let go.
I lay down this burden I have carried along
Without regret, for it has only made me strong.

I love the heart of poetry. I love how it can take your emotions and express them in a way that makes it seem complete. This poem is one of the things that I am the most proud of having written. My life is a collection of words that are spewed upon paper that will probably never be read, but I can hope that someone somewhere will see what I have written and will be able to relate to what I have to say. I don’t know if that will ever happen, but here’s to hoping.

Girls are from the Devil...and Those that Aren't Are Bipolar

Now that I have bashed on the opposite sex I feel as though it is only my duty to reveal the fact that females are just as much to blame...LADIES: STOP PLAYING GAMES!!! If you don't like a guy...stop flirting with him...if you aren't sure...then back off...make sure...and then either pursue it...or STOP!!!

GRRR!!!

You know...we have this habit of sending mixed signals...if you know for sure that you don't want something to happen with a guy right now (I'm not talking about down the road...I mean right now at this point in time) then don't say things that would make him think he has a chance...I hate when girls say things to guys and they are like...oh I could see us together...or I don't think it would be bad if we hung out more...or whatever the heck people say...MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!!!

If you think you are one of the good ones...and any guy would be lucky to have you...don't just settle for that any guy...God has bigger things out there...

GOSH!!! Girls are morons too...and why...I mean...why do we pull the jealousy card...why is it that we don't want a guy until we can't have him...or someone else is about to have them...that is so stupid...back off...let the other people just be...something else will come along...I swear!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

And seriously…take some time to heal. Once we are out of a relationship it seems that we are willing to jump on anything (pun intended) to move on. Why can’t we just take time to heal and get to know ourselves again? Take a BREAK! I promise you that guys will be there whether it’s a day from now, ten days from now, or ten years from now. There isn’t anything out there that says you can’t be single for a while, or that you need to move on quickly.

Get over yourself! You are not as amazing as you think you are and you are ruining it for all of the amazing girls out there.

I get so tired of hearing girls complain that they can’t find the right guy, but the truth is, YOU SHOULD JUST STOP LOOKING!!! I know that we get tired of hearing people say they same thing. I’ve been single for a long time, so I know. You always hear that it will happen when you least expect it, or when you stop looking, that’s when you’ll find him. I believe that is bull shit. I know that one day I will probably understand exactly why I’m single, but today…all I want to do…is enjoy it.

Girls are messed up in the head. I think that we get too caught up in wanting to be wanted, that we don’t stop to think that it’s unfair to a guy to use him that way. I totally understand, because being wanted is just something that we were created to desire, but that doesn’t mean that we should sacrifice someone else’s feelings just so we can get what we want.

Boys Are Stupid...Throw Rocks at Them

So this is what I decided...just now...guys are idiots...the first guy I dated broke up with his girlfriend and then started dating me...I didn't realize that if he did that to her then there was a good chance that if something better came along then he would leave me in a heartbeat...I remember when he broke my heart...I thought it was the end of the world...I look back now and realize it was only a bump in the road...He used me...we used each other...and in the end I got hurt...because he didn't have the nerve to tell me the truth...GUYS: TELL HER THE TRUTH!!! If you don't like her...and you think she's into you...don't lead her on...just tell the poor girl...she'll get over it...I promise...If you don't want to be with her anymore...tell her...she can find someone better...I swear...

Then there were the guys in college...they were such idiots...if you like me...or think there could be an interest...just tell me...so what if you think there is no chance...at least you would know...there is probably a possibility that if you like her...she might like you back (what a novel concept)...GUYS: DON'T PLAY GAMES!!! Mind games are stupid...if you’re not sure...back off...and make up your mind...grrr...these things are not that difficult...

GUYS: DON'T FEED HER LINES!!! If you say something just because you think it's what she wants to hear...STOP!!! Tell the truth...if you don't like something...tell her...It doesn’t help anyone for you to pretend that something is there when it isn’t, and it doesn’t help anyone if you pretend like everything is ok when it isn’t…

GRRRRR!!!!!

And you know...another thing...stop complaining...there are plenty of amazing girls out there...so what, if the girl you thought was so amazing ends up being a punk...move on...and if you go back to her after everything she's put you through then you deserve what you get...I just don't understand that...the girl rips your heart out...steps on it a hundred times...and then you are like...please take all of these broken pieces and smash them into even MORE broken pieces...Why do you want to be with someone who hurt you like that? Maybe it is because I have never been in love that would make me not understand this misguided logic...BUT COME ON!!! Did I miss something...was there a class I was supposed to take...on male idiocy...because that would have been some good stuff to know...

GRRR!!!

I honestly don't know why this all came over me all of the sudden...but it did...I hate guys...and I thank GOD that I am not in a relationship...They are complete morons and there are only a few I still have some faith in...

Just so you know who you are...Josh...Cheese...and Bobby...I still love you and respect you a lot...oh and Bruce will probably read this and should not be lumped with these jerks...he's one of the few good men...Oh...and Shawn too...he's still kind of amazing...even though he might be able to take some advice...he's definatley not among the group labled JERK!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Online Dating

I'm kind of cheating. I've decided to go and pull some of my old writings in order to catch up and get back on top of my writing. I don't want this to just be something that I started and never finished, or that I didn't take seriously. So here it goes...one of my more controversial pieces.

The other day I sat watching television and couldn't help but notice the E-Harmony.com commercials. It triggered a plethera of questions and I began to wonder...can we truly allow a computer dating service to hold the responsibility of matching us up with our life partner? Can you truly get to know someone who you've never actually met? What kind of love story is it to say that you met your spouse on the internet? It just seems so impersonal to me. I want a unique love story...and while it might have been unique at one time to say you met your spouse via the world wide web...it has now become a general consensus. I am not saying that it is a bad idea...I just can't imagine myself doing anything like that.


Maybe it is the hopeless romantic in me that keeps me from seeing the romance in this new era of dating. I want there to be more to my match up then whether or not our profiles line up. What if you could be truly happy with someone who would never match up to your profile? Isn't there more to meeting someone then just compatibility? Again, I am not saying that meeting someone online is bad...just not for me.


When I find love I want it to be magical. I don't have to know right off the bat...I don't even have to know for years to come...I just want it to be more than a profile being matched by people I don't even know. It is almost like a blind date set up by a blind friend...you don't know who the person is, nor do you know the person who is saying they would be a good match. I guess it all just made me stop and think.


Hopeless romantic that I am, I want love to be more than a computer screen. I want daisies and walks on the beach (I know, it is such a cliche'). I want to be able to sit with the person and watch a sunset without saying a word. I want to watch the clouds gather and part in our lives and to know that it will last. I want real love, not e-love. I might not see this love for some time, but I know it is out there, somewhere...I will wait, because once I have it, it will be worth it.

And then this is what was said of it and my response:
Anonymous said…
It is incredibly arrogant and self rightous of you to look down on and judge the way other people meet their husband/wife. You want to know what kind of love story you could have after meeting online? I'll tell you mine. It began with an e-mail and a lot of prayer and ended with me marrying the man of my dreams...one who I KNOW God sent me. I have learned that God works in a way that HE determines and that we are the ones who are cheated when we put Him in a box.
Jessica said...
As I said, I don't think it wrong...I just don't think it is right for me. I have utmost respect for however God wishes to bring two souls together. I don't think it is wrong to meet the man of your dreams at a club, but I'm not going to a club. I just had a lot questions raised and I wanted to address them. I am truly sorry if I offended you, because that was never my intention. I am neither arrogant nor self-righteous. I am just a girl trying to make it in this very mixed up world.

Emerson

Ralph Waldo Emerson is inspiring me today. There is this quote site that I like to visit on a regular basis and today Emerson was the man whose name I chose and each of his quotes seems to be speaking to me.

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”

I love this quote. I have always been the type of person that when someone tells me that it won’t work, I believe them. That being said, I believe that over the last few years I have grown away from this personality type. I am braver, stronger, and more self-assured. I want to be the person who bucks the system and gets down to business. I want to be more than others might see me to be.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Again, I would say that for the majority of my life I was trying to be what the world said I should be, but now I am making my own path. I love who I am more and more each day. I want this to be my greatest accomplishment and I do not want the world to dictate who I am or what I become.

“Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.”

How poignant. I want to be myself. I want to be original, and I think that I accomplish this on a regular basis. Each day I am discovering more about myself and I am no longer scared of what that means.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...”

This is sincerely my favorite quote. How often we cling to the things of yesterday. I can think of numerous occasions where I could not shut my brain off at night because thoughts of the past continually crept to the forefront of my mind. Each day has the promise of a fresh start, and that to me is the most amazing thing that there is. I love the thought that each day is a clean slate, a chance for us to be better.

“We must be our own before we can be another's.”

Then there is this quote. I believe that I am constantly learning this. I know that I have to be happy with who I am in order to ever be happy with someone else. I love that this lesson has been learned in my life.

What wisdom. I would love to be able to put words to paper that would hold such depth as these. Someday I hope to be quoted in the same manner. I know that today most of the words were not my own, but I wanted today to glean from the wisdom of another man.

The Center

I watched as he lovingly brushed the hair out of her face and slowly wiped away the tear that was trailing down her cheek. He placed his hand beneath her chin and brought her eyes up to meet his. I felt like I had stumbled into the midst of an intimate moment that was never meant to be shared with an outsider. He helped her to her feet and sent her from the room. I stood there slightly embarrassed and struggling to look this man in the face.

“Hello Ms. Johnson,” his voice was a smooth tenor that had a calming effect to it. “We would like to welcome you to our humble home. You must be wondering what you walked in on just now.”
I looked him directly in the eyes for the first time since I made my way into the room and my breath caught in my chest. I had never seen anything like them. They were a light brown that fell somewhere between honey and molasses. I felt caught in a trance and realized that his hand was extended. I placed my hand in his and greeted him with great pleasure.

“Mr. O’Connell,” I felt like a school girl talking to her biggest crush. “Thank you so much for allowing me to intrude. Is the young lady ok?”
“She recently lost the love of her life and is struggling with her recovery here.”
“What exactly is it that you do here?”
“Well, Jonathan told me you like to get straight to business.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just that my editor expects me to get as much information as possible.”
“I understand. Well then, let’s get started”

The Center had been a topic that caused great controversy among people who knew what The Center was. My editor had sent me to do an in-depth piece that would help the public understand what The Center was all about. From what I understood it was little more than a harem. This man before me was supposedly taking in broken women and keeping them for himself. As I studied this man, I wondered how anyone could think such a thing about him. From the moment I walked on to the premises I had an overwhelming sense of calm. There was just something about this place that made you feel relaxed and feel as though nothing could possible go wrong.

Mr. O’Connell was a tall man with dark features that made him seem exotic. When he looked at me it took every ounce of self control that I had not to throw myself at him. He was magnetic. He led me to a sitting area in his office that was placed right in front of the fireplace. I took the seat across from him and took out my recorder. I wasn’t sure what to ask him or what exactly I would learn about this place, but I know that everyone else had a right to know what exactly was going on here.

I love being single. It is something that I have come to value as a gift. I think that’s why I find it funny that I feel my hear skip a beat and a catch in my breath when I read about C.S. Lewis not finding the love of his life until he was in his 50’s. Maybe I’m not as happy being single as I let on, but I know that being single is good for me right now.

I think that there is a constant battle in me between the love of being single and the desire for companionship. I want someone who loves me and I think sometimes I am made to feel as though this means I am weak. How does this desire make me weak? If I understand that I being single is a gift now, and that companionship will be a gift later, I don’t get how my desires can be bad. I get frustrated when people try to tell me how lucky I am to be single and how I need to enjoy it and not take it for granted. When, if they really knew me, they would know that I love being single and I do enjoy every moment that this gift is in my life, but that doesn’t lessen my desire for my soul mate.

God designed me to desire the other part of me. I am created to want to be with someone. It is how God meant for us to be. That is why it bothers me that people tell me all of the famous phrases you tell a single person: “It will happen when you least expect it” “It will happen in God’s timing” “When you stop looking, that is when you will find him”. While I respect everyone who tells me these things, it’s all just bullshit.

I have enjoyed being single for a long time. I am not looking for the love of my life at the current moment and while I am a strong believer that everything happens in God’s perfect timing, that is just something you tell someone when you don’t know what else to say. One time someone said that if I were in God’s will I would have already found him. I find it funny that people think they know so much about me. God and I might not be as close as we once were, but I am tired of blaming God for this. I get so angry sometimes, and bitter even, that God hasn’t put the right guy in my life, but the truth is, He’s got more for me than that.

I know that one day I will look back and all of this will make sense and I won’t have any doubts that I have gone through all of this for a reason, but I wish someone understood where I’m at. I feel like the people around me have forgotten what it is like to be in my shoes, and I agree with every other article out there…the church has seriously dropped the ball when it comes to ministering to single people who are in their late 20’s and well into their 30’s. I don’t feel comfortable there. I am not young enough to be a part of college groups and I am not married enough to be participate in the young married groups, although they are all my age. It is so frustrating and I feel like this rant is just that, a rant. Someday I will put this into the right words, and maybe someone will even listen.

More Than a Mistake

There was no great significance to the beginning of their story. It was a day like any other, completing tasks that were not thought out of the ordinary. She hit the snooze and waited for it to repeat its cadence and then slid out of bed. He threw on a shirt that was lying on the floor, and didn’t even look in the mirror before he left the house. Her day held the same mind-numbing routine as always, and he was going through the motions of the every day. There was nothing special about the way they met.

Valerie Locke didn’t think of herself as anything of importance. She had grown up moving around a lot and had never really had the stability of a home. She had learned to be a survivor. She had learned what it meant to be able to stand on her own. She took a job at her Aunt’s gift shop to help supplement the small income she was getting at the clothing boutique where she worked. Her dreams had never placed her here, but dreams are seldom known to come true. She knew that for now this was all she had, so this was all she tried to take.

Stephen McEwen was born and raised in the small town of Madisonville, Kentucky. He was the oldest of four kids, and he knew the definition of family. When he graduated high school he joined his father in the coal mines, never imagining that there was any other choice. He was small town in every way, and he felt he could see his whole life stretched before him. He would be a coal miner, just like his dad. He would marry his high school sweetheart and live in Madisonville, right down the road from his parents, for the rest of his life.

It all began in the most usual of circumstances. Valerie had come into her Aunt’s gift store to work behind the counter. There was nothing out of the ordinary about her day. People came in and out, some making purchases, others just shopping with their eyes. When Stephen walked in, she hadn’t even seen him. Her back had been turned as she helped another costumer. It wasn’t until she almost ran into him, literally, that she even noticed him.

“I am so sorry,” Valerie stammered.

“Don’t worry about it,” He laughed.

She walked away. There had been nothing about him that grabbed her attention, only the fact that she hadn’t been paying enough attention to even know he was there. She preoccupied her mind with thoughts of her day until she saw him walk up to her.

“If you were a girl, would you like this?” he asked.

“I am a girl,” she replied, slightly annoyed at what seemed a backhanded insult.

“I’m sorry,” he blushed as he began to rephrase his statement. “Would you like it if a guy gave you this?”

He held out his hand and she took a small jewelry box that was hand painted with an intricate floral design. She noticed that the colors were very bold, but that altogether it would suit anyone who received it as a gift.

“It’s nice,” she said, but seeing that this answer had not really satisfy him she added, “I would be delighted if a guy gave me something this nice. Whoever you are getting this for, must be one lucky girl.”

This answer seemed to give him a sense of contentment because he decided to make the purchase. She took special care to wrap it gently. He thanked her and went on his way.

That is how they met. That was the first moment they saw one another. There was nothing of great significance about it, only two strangers meeting in the most usual of ways. Neither could have been prepared to know that their futures would bring them together.

The next few months followed in the usual manner, but their meetings were more frequent and Stephen’s dependence on Valerie’s opinion grew with every purchase he made. She found him amusing and even slightly attractive, but she knew he was head over heels in love with his girlfriend. She learned from him that they had been dating since they were juniors in high school, they were planning on getting married, and unbeknownst to Courtney he had already purchased a ring. Stephen seemed to know exactly what he wanted. Valerie couldn’t help but adore that about him. Their friendship had become a constant companion to the normalcy of life.
The day Stephen planned on proposing to Courtney he came into the gift shop to ask Valerie what she thought about how he was going to propose. It was the opening night of the county fair, and they had gone every year. He was going to take her on the Ferris wheel and propose to her when they got to the top.

“What if she says no?” Valerie asked, not really thinking of what she was saying.

“What?” he looked as though someone had just knocked all the wind out of him.

“Oh, Stephen,” she pleaded, “I don’t know why I even said that. Don’t listen to me. I’ve just had a bad day, and I was being mean. I’m so sorry.”

He smiled his usual goofy grin and she knew all was forgiven. Part of her was slightly jealous. Not because she wanted to be with him, because she didn’t, but because she felt like there was one more person in her life that was closer to something that she didn’t know if she would ever have. She listened to the rest of his story as he shared his excitement with her. She couldn’t help but smile, really. He seemed so much like a kid the night before Christmas, not knowing what was in store, but knowing that something amazing was about to happen. When he left he was all smiles and butterflies in the stomach. Tonight he was taking one step closer to his future, and Valerie felt like she was now one step behind everyone else.

A couple hours later, Stephen walked back into the gift shop, but this time he looked like a kid who had his lunch money stolen.

“What’s wrong?” Valerie asked.

“Courtney is really sick, so she doesn’t want to go anywhere tonight. In fact, she doesn’t think it’s a good idea to be around her right now.”

“Wow.”

“That’s all I get?” he said, giving her a half smile. If there was anything he had learned about Val over the last few months it was that she was not one to be careless with her words, he had also learned that she didn’t care much for Courtney, or his relationship with her.

“So, I was thinking,” he began.

“Really? Did it hurt?” she teased.

“What I was thinking, was that maybe you could go with me.”

She looked at him like he was crazy, but he came in armed, knowing she would most likely say no. He begged her to go and kept reminding her that he wasn’t going to be able to propose to Courtney tonight and that he was completely miserable because of it all. She had never been good at saying no to him, and so she gave in and gave him at least something small to be happy about. They planned on meeting up at the entrance to the fair around six.

She had never been one for going to the fair, but she knew she was doing this more for moral support than for her own amusement. But once they were in amongst the hustle and bustle of fair goers Val knew that she was going to have a good time. There was just something about the energy of everyone there. She couldn’t explain what it was. It was an excitement of things never seen or experienced. Kids stood wide-eyed and watched as carnival rides took off. Teenagers laughed at anything that could be made fun of. Stephen and Val walked through the crowd and laughed themselves at the different sights they could see.

They had been there almost an hour when Stephen spotted his best friend. As they walked towards him, Val couldn’t help but notice the girl attached to his lips. She was blonde and beautiful. Their open display of affection didn’t shock her but Stephen’s reaction to it did. He started going off on this guy and the girl, and Val and no clue what was going on. As she listened, though, she began to understand that the blonde wasn’t just some girl, she was Courtney. Val felt as though the world was spinning. She couldn’t believe that this was happening to Stephen. She tried to calm him down, to pull him away, but there was no reasoning with him. He pushed past her and she didn’t see him again for weeks.

It would be imprecise to say that she was a mistake, because her life was to be so much more than an accident. She had always heard that she had not been in the plan. That her parents had not meant for her to come so soon into their lives. She had also been told how much love there was for her. Sometimes, though, the negative we hear, tends to overpower the positive around us. It would be her lifelong struggle to understand this simple lesson. She always believed that the story of her life began with romance, and would forever create within her a hopeless romantic.

I Miss Him

I miss God. I know He hasn't gone anywhere, and that it's me that has disconnected from him. I just can't seem to get back to him and I don't even know that I'm really trying. This morning I woke up and thought to myself, “Self, you should go to church.” That being said, I still didn’t go. I haven’t stopped believing in God, in fact, I know more than ever that He is real, yet I continue to live my life as though my relationship with him being on hold has no lasting effect on me.

I’ve always had a strong relationship with God. When I was younger I was completely in love with him and couldn’t imagine that I would ever have a lukewarm relationship with him, but I feel that’s where I’ve come to. I have grown content in my complacency and that bothers me. Even though it bothers me I find myself doing nothing to change it. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t feel like doing the work anymore, or if I just don’t care as much as I think I do.

I remember when my walk with God was the most important thing in my life. I spent hours in devotions, Bible study and prayer. Now it seems that I would be doing good to get an hour of that in during a week. I can’t remember at what point I stopped trying. Was it when I moved to Ormond? Was it when I realized that church seems like a breeding ground for gossips and backstabbers? I can’t really put my finger on it, but I know that something had to happen that made me say to myself that church isn’t the place I want to be.

At first, even though I wasn’t going to church, I was keeping up with my devotions and my prayer life, but the longer I was out of church and away from accountability, the harder it became to find a reason to stay close to God. I know that this all probably sounds horrible, but I am just being real here. I want this to be the place where I can come and explore my writing and who I am. Right now, this is me, naked and vulnerable.

I feel like I have disappointed God, but then I think that I don’t matter that much. God is bigger than any of us realize, and I feel like I am putting more value on me than is really there. I love him, and I know that I always will, but it seems like he has become a good friend that I get together with every now and then. I keep him updated on my life. I talk to him when I get really down, and I talk to him when I miss him a lot, but I have stopped a daily communication with him. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. I’m sure he does.

Embracing Every Moment

I have a new love in my life. He is strong and dependable. He is absolutely gorgeous and TONS of fun. He doesn’t treat me poorly and he fits me perfectly.

I am talking about a car. I know what you’re thinking: Why are you in love with a car. Here, let me show you:


I can’t help it. I think you might have to take into consideration the fact that I have always loved a good sports car. Before I was even able to drive I was in love with the BMW Z3 Roadster. I wanted a hunter green with a tan top, because it had to be a convertible. And now here I am, with my own beautiful car. I am completely in love with it. I think that it is the first step of many that I am taking towards the life I want to live.

I want to embrace everything that life has to offer and I am tired of sitting in the wings watching as everyone else enjoys life. I only get to live once and I want to make the most out of every chance I’m given. Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my life. I watch too much tv and too many movies. I don’t tell the people I love how much I love them often enough. I don’t keep my stuff organized and I let things wait until later. I am over that. Instead I want to take each opportunity that passes by and jump on it.

I think sometimes that I play it too safe. I end up saying no to too many things and saying yes to too few. I want to make my life about the yeses. Missed opportunities are more often the regrets we have in life as opposed to the things we’ve done. I want to sing more, take more pictures, learn more, read more, and write more. I want to live more.

Life should be about the moments we choose to live. I think that we often take life for granted. Each day is a gift that we have been given and to squander that gift would be a shame. I don’t let myself experience enough. I have so many things that I want to accomplish and buying this car has kind of sparked something inside of me that is pushing me on to something more.

I know that I will not always make the most of every day, but shouldn’t I try? Shouldn’t I be living every moment with as much gusto as possible? I want people to look back on my life and say, wow, what an amazing woman. I don’t want my life to just be another flicker of light that started and ended just as quickly. Each moment of my life should be lived to the fullest and I want that to be said of me. I want to be the person that people look at and thing, I would love to have her life. Today, I want to take advantage of everything that I have been given.

Loving Who I Am

I don’t feel good today. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I think that I need to shake things up. You know, make some changes. I look forward to what my life will be like one day, but why can’t that one day be today. I think sometimes that I get caught up in this idea that my life has been delayed because I haven’t met the right man, but I’m over that. I told someone today that I like myself pretty much more than anyone else. That might sound slightly vain, but it’s the truth. I love who I am and what I have to offer and I am tired of waiting around for a man to make me feel fulfilled.

I want to be on top of my game. I need to write more. I need to make it my goal to be published. I want to write something clever and something that makes people stop and think. I am more than what you see. I want to be everything that I know that I should be.

I feel like these are the ramblings of a person who is unsure, but I promise you that I am more than sure of who I am. I love that I am independent and that I am strong. I think it’s amazing how I have grown to love myself. I know that if I had met the right guy years ago that I would have been who he wanted me to be and not have grown into myself. I love who I am. Every time I say that I feel as though people might feel I think too highly of myself, but it’s just that I have this deep respect for who I have become. I am strong, and beautiful, and loving, and kind. I have gone through so much and I have come out of it kicking and fighting for my life.

Everything that I have been through has made me who I am today and I wouldn’t change a thing. Each experience that I have had, good or bad, has made me stronger and more self-assured. I would love to know what my future holds, but it’s reassuring to know that I get to determine my future. I am in control and that is something that a few years ago I would have never said. I feel like I have grown up so much. I wish that I could inject this confidence into my younger self, but I won’t have regrets. I will only hold my head up high and keep on going. I’m not sure where this road has me headed, but I am willing to find out.

Some moments are better than others, but I know that tomorrow will be another opportunity to make myself better. I don’t want to squander these moments. I want to embrace every second of my life and make myself a better version of the woman I am today. I want to be EVERYTHING that I can be.

Sex.

The word itself can be considered taboo. I remember when my parents sat me down to have “the talk” with me. I had to have been around eleven or twelve. I was home schooled, so I didn’t have the same pressures or other opportunities to have someone else tell me about sex as my friends. I guess I must have asked where babies come from, or they were thinking that mother nature would soon be knocking on my door, but they sat me down in the living room and explained to me the basic procedure of how babies are created. I remember being very curious. It’s funny to me now, because I prefer to never hear my parents talk about sex these days, but then, I wanted to know everything.

After the initial information had time to process I began to go back and ask more questions. I wasn’t so concerned about the how as much as I seemed to be interested in the why. I wanted to know what would drive two people to have this intimate encounter. I wish that I had known the right questions to ask though because nothing could prepare me for how much intimacy can affect you.

I was seventeen years old when I had my first kiss. Trust me, when you are seventeen, you feel as though you have waited a lifetime. I had liked guys before that, but for some reason guys were never all that interested in me. I had never even held hands with a guy before my first boyfriend. I hadn’t even had a “boyfriend” before my first boyfriend. At seventeen I was completely green to the whole aspect of relationships. I was slightly naïve when it came to my understanding of how relationships worked. I thought that the first guy I dated would be the guy I fell in love with and spent the rest of my life with. I look back now and that God that wasn’t the case, but I remember wanting to spend every moment with this guy.

Our first kiss was perfect. I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better first experience, but then that one kiss led to major make out sessions. I became somewhat addicted to that feeling you get when you are caught up in the embraces of someone you care about. I loved making out. I loved the way it felt to be kissed. I loved the way it felt to kiss someone else. I got caught up in it and I don’t think I was prepared for the fall out.

When we broke up I was devastated. I thought that it was the end of my world. I look back now and realize how dramatic I was being. Life hadn’t even begun for me. I was just starting. It took me quite some time before I kissed someone again. I remember thinking to myself that this guy was a really bad kisser. We only made out twice, and that was quite enough for me.

I wish that I had asked the right questions, because sometimes I feel like I’m lost and like I will never find my way back up.

He Will Be...

He will treat me with respect. He will love me for who I am. He will think I’m funny, and completely corny. He will shake his head at me in a loving way that says, that’s my girl and even though she’s completely insane, she’s mine and I love her. He will tell me that he loves me every day. He will always have kind words for me. He will be slow to anger. We will fight, but we will fight fair.

He needs to be able to handle me. That in itself is a tall order.

My best friend and I were talking tonight about how we each deserve an amazing man, and how we will be so happy when that day happens. She stated that she likes to dream about it, and my response was that dreaming about it makes me sad. I want to have an idea about the man that I want to be with, but thinking about it depresses me. It’s not that I don’t want to find him, or that I don’t want to think about who he might be, but I get so tired of waiting for it to happen.

Please do not get me wrong. I am completely satisfied being single. In fact, I honestly can’t imagine being with anyone right now. I love the fact that I answer to no one but myself. I love who I am. I told a friend today that the reason I’m single is because I haven’t met a man that I thought I could love as much as I love myself. Now that might seem slightly vain, but the truth is, I’ve learned to love who I am, and I don’t want to change for anyone. I want to be sure that the man I end up with loves everything about me, because I don’t want who I’ve become to ever change.

Now, all of that being said, it still sucks sometimes that I am alone. My younger sister has been married for three years. My cousin, who is a year younger than me, has been married for a little over a year. My cousin who is three years younger than me is getting married in November. My little brother is getting married in the spring. I keep telling myself that it shouldn’t hurt this bad. I keep telling myself that someday I will understand why I have had to wait so long. But it still sucks sometimes.

It’s hard walking this line between loving being single, and wanting to be a couple. People always seem to have the answer. It will happen when I least expect it. When I stop looking, that’s what I’ll find him. Being single is the best thing that could happen to you. The grass is always greener on the other side. Everyone seems to have some piece of advice that will help me through whatever feeling I’m going through at the moment, but the truth is…I’m the only one who can determine how I handle all of this. Today, I choose to be happy that I am single. That’s all there is to it.

I Love Words

My brain is not working today. I feel like I am completely void of useful information and am completely unmotivated. I shared this with my brother today. He said I could take a break, since I am on vacation, and I appreciate that. I guess the fact of the matter is I need to do this. Even if the words don’t mean anything, I am making myself put them down. I need to get them out there, on to pages and even if they don’t mean anything I need to write them down.

I’ve always had a love affair with words. I find it truly breathtaking how words can transport you to another time and place. I love how they can make you laugh or make you cry. I love how they can put you into the shoes of someone else and how they can create this feeling within you that makes you understand so completely exactly what they are saying.

When I was a junior in high school my parents gave me a pocket dictionary and a vocabulary builder…for Christmas. They were some of my favorite gifts and I still have them both. I truly love words. I love to write them and I really love to read them. It makes me sad how words are no longer loved the way they used to be. Even myself, I don’t make the effort to expand my vocabulary, or to write in a way that makes people have to think about what I’m writing. I put the words there and they read them and that is it. It’s not like in the days of Shakespeare or Austen. I don’t use words to paint pictures. I just write words.

Even those last few lines made little to no sense. I feel like today I am trying to just get my words down. I am tired, but it’s a good tired. I feel like I am getting the rest that I need and that I am going to go back completely refreshed.

I’m excited about my job. It’s funny to me how perception changes everything. I used to dread going to work because my job was so draining, but I enjoy the work that I do. I find great satisfaction in helping students find their path. I recently volunteered to work on our career center and I think that has to do with the fact that I want to help students figure out where they are going next. It is difficult to know where to take the second step and I want to be a part of helping students with those types of choices.

Today I feel like I have kind of failed you. I know that these words were written today, and I know that I have successfully completed my task, but I need to give it more attention. I want to be on top of this instead of waiting until the last minute to make it happen. I want the words I write down to mean more. I will work on this. Tomorrow will probably not be me at my finest either, but I’m on vacation…so cut me a little slack.

Loving the Journey

There are moments in our lives when we need to escape the monotony of our every day routines. For the last three months I have been stuck in long hours with nasty people and today I finally feel like I am getting to break free from this rut that I have been in for so long. Driving here today, I began to think of my life. I am far from having it all together, but I feel that I am beginning to gain some clarity. I would love to put my life on fast forward and just jump right now to where I want to be, but I am beginning to see how unrealistic that truly is.

On my way here today, I began to try and put my life in to some order and I began to realize…as much as I would like to start my masters next fall, and as much as I am ready to get the next phase of my life started, there is still much that needs to be done before I get there. I know what you are thinking…MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY. I feel like I scream that to myself every day. I want to know and not to second guess myself. It is frustrating to know that I am constantly changing from one though pattern to the next.

Today I was thinking that maybe I could wait another year to apply for my masters. That gives me plenty of time to pay off all of my bills and even get out on my own for a year. I could get an apartment, and make my life where I am. I don’t hate my job and I am getting ready to go to a new schedule, and possibly better pay. I want to live my life today. In this moment I want to be happy. I received these words tonight from a friend, “The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” I want to live by those words. I am tired of living my life with the regrets of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow and not focus on the joys of today.

I know that my life has kind of been one big mess, but I like to think of it as my way to finding myself. I know who I am better today than I did yesterday. I feel like I am constantly growing, and I don’t know that if I had it all figured out from the start, if I could truly say that. I know that life is a continual journey on the road to self discovery. I just find that the older I get, the more I enjoy that road. I love who I am, and I am proud of who I am. I know that tomorrow I am going to be even more amazing than I am today, and really, that’s all that matters to me.

Less Than Perfect

I wish I had it all together. I wish that when I woke up, from that moment on all of the choices that I made were the right ones. I was talking to a good friend today and it got me to thinking about how much pressure we put on ourselves to live up to an idea. I think we project this idea of perfection that everyone else seems to have for us, when in fact, we are the ones with the unrealistic expectations. I truly believe that my parents would be proud of me, no matter what I did, but I have this idea that they expect the world from me. It’s funny how we do that. We make it about everyone else and then when we don’t live up to what we think they want us to, we blame it on them for not being able to live up to it. It seems counterproductive if you ask me.

I know that I will never be perfect, and I need to learn to be ok with that. I need to learn that taking life as it comes at me is going to be just fine. I get so caught up in this idea of what I’m supposed to be that I forget to live sometimes. I want to take my time and make sure that the choices I make are for me. I am tired of blaming everyone else for my unhappiness. I have nothing to be unhappy about. I have a good life with good friends, an amazing family, health, a good job, and a great future ahead of me.

I need to start taking responsibility for my life and my future. I’m ready to see where I can take my life. The challenges before me are slight when you take into consideration everything that I’ve already been through. I’ve faced death and blindness. I’ve had my heart broken and lost loved ones, but I am still standing strong and I look forward to what lies ahead of me. Each day is a new challenge to find out more about who I am. I can’t wait until the day when I can finally look back and say, wow, I’ve had a great life. Don’t get me wrong, I feel that way now, but I look forward to that day.

My life is heading in wonderful direction. I know that each day I am getting closer to the greatest adventure of my life. I have plans and goals and ambitions that can’t be stopped. I know that tomorrow is going to be better than today and that the day after that can only get better. I am tired of putting things on the back burner. Who I am is not quite as great as who I’m going to be. I look ahead of myself. I am tired of looking behind or standing still. I am ready for what tomorrow shall present. My days are only getting better.

And you my friends, shall all play a part.

Broken Again

He broke me too. I thought that I had found the right guy. Having never been in a relationship I found myself believing that the first guy I fell for would be the guy that I spent the rest of my life with. Everything started out perfectly. I was interested in him, and he was interested in me. I remember the first time I saw him. I thought he was cute. I thought he was funny. He made me feel something I had never felt before, and I thought that this was it. Everything I had hoped for was finally coming to fruition.

I remember our first date. He picked me up at the house and took me to dinner. We went Italian. Isn’t that one of the greatest fears, Italian on the first date? Whatever you do, don’t order the spaghetti! He was so sweet. He opened every door for me and I think he even let me win at air hockey that night. We went to see a movie, but it was starting later than we had thought. I remember that he called my dad to let him know we’d be later than he had originally planned. My dad said it was fine. I wonder if my dad had known that this relationship would end in heartbreak, would his answer have been the same.

There was a night when we were watching movies at his house, and he looked down at me. He said, I could kiss you right now, but I don’t want the memory of your first kiss to be while we were watching movies at my house. I know at that moment I thought that was the most romantic thing I had ever heard. A few weeks later we were walking around the lake early one morning. The sun hadn’t even risen yet. We sat on a bench that lined the path, and as we watched the sun rise above the water, he leaned in and kissed me. It was perfect. Everything I have ever thought a kiss should be, it was.

I don’t know at what point things took a turn for the worst, but they did. He asked my dad how he should break up with me. I wish that were a joke, but it’s not. Then he tells me that he just wants to be friends, that it’s not me, it’s him. He just doesn’t think that God wanted us to be together right now. I think he gave me every line that guys give when they don’t have a really good reason to break up with a girl, or when they do have a reason, they are just too chicken shit to tell you.

He broke my heart in that moment. I cried myself to sleep that night and you would think that was the end, but no, I let him put his claws into me. I couldn’t get away from him. I don’t know why I let myself get so caught up with him. He was smooth. He knew all of the right things to say, and I let him. He was the second guy to break me and it took me years to let him go, if I ever really did.

A Love Letter

Sometimes I sit and wonder where you are. I wonder what you are doing and if you are thinking about me. I get lonely sometimes, you know? When I was younger I assumed that I would find you at a young age, and then I thought I might meet you in college, and then I started to worry that I might never meet you at all. I’m still not sure where you are or when we’ll meet, but I’m not quite as concerned about it as I used to be. You see, I’ve decided that waiting for you has been one of the greatest adventures of my life.

I wonder what you are like. Are you into sports? I hope you don’t mind being an FSU football fan and a Kentucky Wildcats basketball fan (I suppose I could settle for a UNC fan, but there’s no way I would ever be with a Duke or Gators fan!). Are you a nerd like me? I wonder what your favorite book is or who your favorite author might be. I hope you like indie films and indie music, or at least that you will put up with my slightly eclectic tastes.

I’m not easy to put up with, and I haven’t had many relationships. I’m not so good with the relationships, just to give you a heads up. I don’t know why I can’t find someone who fits me, or whom I fit well with. I guess they always say that when I find the right guy I’ll understand why it never worked with anyone else. I suppose that could be the case. I hope you are patient. I know I need someone who is patient and who is will to tell me they love me.

I am definitely one of the most amazing people you will ever meet. I know that when we find each other, we’ll love each other completely. I have so much love to give and I know that one day, I will get to share that love with the man who will be my best friend. I need you to know, that no matter what, I will always love you. We may not always get along. I promise that you will get annoyed with me, and probably fairly easily at that. I am trying. You will definitely have your hands full, but I promise that you will love every moment that we share our lives together.

I wish you were with me now. I wish that we could start forever, today. I know that we are both growing into amazing people right now, and I believe that is why we’re not together at the moment. When we finally meet one another, our life together will be something spectacular.

I look forward to meeting you. I want you to have my whole heart, and I want to know that I have yours.

I know that I’ve messed up in the past. I know that I am so far from perfect. I also know, that you are out there waiting to love this messed up, silly nerd who just can’t help but love her life. I can’t wait to meet you. Hope it’s sooner rather than later. I love you already.

Dreams Come Crashing Down

She sat there looking out across the water of the lake, knees pulled tightly to her chest, as though to let them loose would somehow make her vulnerable. The sun had begun to set and the cool warmth of a summer night hung in the air, waiting for the rays of light to disappear completely. Her eyes watched as the colors of the sky danced upon the water. She took the beauty around her in like a deep breath, but she was so scared to let it go, fearing that it would all disappear with the simple act of exhaling. There was nothing she could do but let it out and when she did, all she had been trying so hard to hold in began to come apart. She placed her head on her knees and let her body silently shake with the sobs she fought to keep silent.

Most people would have described Cassidy Connor as a girl with a good head on her shoulders. Everyone knew she was going places. Her entire life she had been working towards being more than what others around her aspired to. Most people she knew were content with living out their life in a small town, with small dreams, accomplishing small tasks, but not her. She believed that this place was only a pit stop on her journey to something so much more. She had it all figured, until today.

By the time she regained control, and lifted her head, the sun had disappeared completely. Somewhere in the distance she could hear the sound of kids playing and cars passing by. She couldn’t remember how long she had been sitting there, and was sure that somewhere, someone was wondering where she was. Her thoughts did little to encourage her movement from that spot, but instead gave her the impression that if she stayed on that little blanket by the water everything would stay the same. Logically she knew staying there would not stop the change that was about to take place, but she clung to the illogical.

It took everything she had to push back the thoughts continually threatening to replay in her mind. The sound of doors slamming, the angry words that spilled out from both of them, the sound of squealing tires. She closed her eyes tightly, hoping that would silence the commotion in her head. As hard as she tried, there was no stopping the memories. It was like pushing the pause button on a remote with no batteries. Reality was spilling over the wall she had tried to build to keep it out. When she went home, everything that she knew would be gone.

The fight had started out like any fight does. She had lied again. It had become a recurring habit that she couldn’t totally explain. The only reason she could honestly give was that it gave her a certain rush to see how much she could get away with. It would suffice to say that she never really knew her lies could create the alternate reality she was now faced with. A lie to her was just that, a lie.

The Invisible Girl

I’m not a pretty giril. In fact, I’m not really that attractive at all. When people describe me, they would probably say, “She’s one of those girls with a great personality.” I don’t mind it actually. I’ve kind of gotten used to it. I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it’s sad when you look into the mirror and you can’t even say you’re pretty. Beautiful has never been a word that has felt comfortable in my vocabulary. I’m way more comfortable with average.

It’s not that I don’t like how I look. I think I’m fine for the most part. I’m slightly more than overweight. My hair is less than stellar and my eyes are kind of pretty, but overall, I barely even land on the scale of attractiveness. I don’t know at what age I began to realize that what I looked like couldn’t compare to the others around me. I was never the girl who could get a boyfriend, or who people would fawn all over and throw compliments at. I’m plain. Simple. I don’t really know how else to describe myself.

I think sometimes I get tired of being plain. I kind of wish I could have one of those Pretty Woman kind of moments and someone could transform me into something beautiful, but I supposed Julia Roberts wasn’t the rough canvas that I am. I can’t imagine that anyone could see more than the outward appearance, or that even if they did they could do anything with it. It’s just meant to be, I suppose. Like I said, I’m kind of used to it.

I make up for it in personality, that’s for sure. I could bring down a house with laughter and I make people feel better in bad situations. I work hard at whatever I do, and most people love to have me around. There are moments though when I see someone lean in real close to someone else and I think to myself how unlikely that is to ever be me.

I remember when I was a senior in high school. I had made it that far without much incident, but that year my sister started high school. Unlike me, she was not just a girl with a peronsality. She was one of those exotic beauties. She had gotten our mother’s dark features. Long black hair, beautiful brown eyes, and skin that would make anyone jealous. I tried to pretend that it didn’t hurt when people were shocked to find out she was my sister. I acted like it was funny. Like somehow the fact that people couldn’t see a resemblance was part of a big joke. A big cosmic joke.

For years I had sat in the background, silently observing everyone else and their interactions, but now I seemed to watch as the people who had previously meant nothing to me, begin to become a regular fixture in my everyday life. They were my sister’s best friends. The first boy she started dating in high school was the only boy I had ever really had a crush on. He would have never given me the time of day, but it somehow stung to know that my sister was getting to live the life I had only ever imagined.

Broken

He broke me. I used to be whole for a little while. I was complete. Everything about life felt right and even the bad wasn’t all that bad. I was innocent and pure. My eyes were not clouded by bitterness or blinded by pain. I felt that my world was close to perfect. At least for a little while, I knew my life was great. And then it happened.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember feeling as though my heart was being ripped out of my chest. It stung. I can still feel the heavy sobs that continually escaped me. My eyes filled with tears and from that moment on, every time I thought of what he did, I felt those tears threaten me. It had started out as something simple, a tiny ripple that turned into a giant wave. They were two young boys playing. They didn’t know any better. How could something so small cause such great devastation?

I thought that he hung the moon. He gave me butterscotch whenever I wanted it. He taught me how to be the best at diving. He loved me completely and fully, and I loved him just the same. I couldn’t explain to you the love that I felt for him. All I know is that from that moment on love no longer meant the same. I think that at that moment part of my heart was destroyed.

After he decided that having me in his life was no longer convenient I believe that something in me decided that I would never let anyone get that close to me again. If I never let anyone in, then they could never hurt me like that. He broke me. A man that I loved almost more than anyone else in the world decided that he no longer wanted my love.

For years, every time I thought of that moment, the moment that he stopped loving me, my heart would break all over again. I think it still does, even though I pretend it doesn’t hurt anymore. I wish I could let him love me again. I wish that what he did didn’t constantly haunt me. It follows me you know. In the moments when I feel like opening up and having a real relationship, that’s when I hear it, the doubt. I can’t let anyone in for fear that my heart will be chipped away at again. It’s already damaged beyond repair. I can’t seem to find anything strong enough to put it back together again.

I’m scared that I will never be able to truly love someone. I fear that I will always hold people at arm’s length. I am constantly allowing myself to be in surface relationships. I never allow myself to be open to something real. I am scared. I am so scared that I will be ripped open, and that my heart will be torn apart, and I just can’t seem to find a reason to let that happen. I wish he hadn’t broken me.

Letter to Myself

I want to tell you to believe in yourself. I want you to realize that you are worth so much more than you seem to realize at times. I can’t wait to see what all you have ahead of you, but you need to not give up on yourself.

Each day you amaze me with how strong you are. When you were younger you thought that you were never going to be good enough, and that you weren’t good enough. I love that you have gotten stronger. You are my hero. You have grown so much as a person and I am loving every moment of it. Remember to keep your head up. You deserve so much! Never forget that!

Sometimes I wonder why you can’t seem to keep a positive attitude. I hate that you get down on yourself. I undersstand it completely, but I wish that you could take each day and let whatever happens happen and keep going even when you feel like giving up.

I know that sometimes it is hard to be alone. I know that you want a husband more than almost anything else in the world, but remember that this time is for you to grow as a person. You are so much stronger than you even realize. Each day that you go without finding the man of your dreams you are learning the meaning of independence. I know you feel alone sometimes, but you will be ok. I promise that you will get through this and that you will be able to find someone who will make you happy.

There has to be a man out there who is intelligent, cultured, funny and sexy. He’s just waiting for the right time. The time will come when you are completely ready for the man of your dreams, and he is completely ready for you. I know that the waiting part sucks, but you are going to make it through this. You are going to meet him and you are going to be so happy that it never worked out with anyone else.
What I need from you right now, is that you stop settling. You let yourself be with these guys who are no good for you. You let yourself get used up and broken, and you deserve so much more than that. STOP! You are more than you are letting yourself be and I am tired of it.

Life is never easy Jess, but you can make it through all of this if you just keep your head up and keep pressing on. You are so amazing and anyone that knows you would tell you the same thing. Stop being less. Stop giving up. Never stop pressing forward!

You are going to do great things. I can’t wait to see all that you have in store. There has to be something amazing ahead because life is never as hard as it seems. Don’t give up on your dreams. Life is just getting good.

Random Mess of Words

This particular entry is kind of going to be all over the place. I love that I don’t know what I’m writing. I love that I am just writing to get words down. Today I was thinking about how awesome I am. And not in that, I’m so awesome and my head is huge because I’m so awesome, kind of way. I love who I am. I love that I know how to make people laugh, or that I know how to cheer someone up, or just be there for someone. I love that I make myself laugh. I am completely silly at times and I wonder how I make it through the day. I can’t believe who God made me. I don’t understand it at all. I really do love who I am. I have been this way for a while now and I don’t know how to be any other way. It’s exciting when you get to the point that you love who you are.

You know what else I like? I like tv and movies. I like Chinese food. I like the day that I was born. I like Thanksgiving. I love fall. I like to watch the leaves fall of the trees, but love to watch them change colors even more. I love the way it feels to be completely in love with an idea.

Sometimes I get the random urge to punch people in the face. Is there something wrong with me because of that? I get frustrated and there are moments when I wish that I could just pack up everything I own and move half way around the world. Then there are moments when I know for sure that life has me here in this moment for a reason.

I wish that this post had been better. That my thoughts had been somewhat more coherent. Unfortunately, my brain is mush today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I will try to make tomorrow better. I’m missing things right now. I don’t know what is wrong with this head of mine. I love that these are the last few words that I have to write.

Fear of Commitment

Yesterday I was reading an article in Time Magazine about the fact that home ownership is no longer a sound investment and that renting is more common now than ever before. I began to turn this over in my mind and play with the notion that we are no longer a nation of home owners and it took me to an interesting theory. What if the reason that home ownership is down has to do with a generation plagued by commitment phobia? If you think about it for a moment you will begin to see that our generation is absolutely, one hundred percent afraid of commitment.

I can completely relate to this. If you look at my life you will see this common fear pop up in several areas. The first one I always notice is my career history. I have had several different types of employment. From teaching, to being a nanny, to working at a college, I have been in all kinds of different jobs. I don’t know if I just get bored, or if there is more to it, but I tend to get restless. I have almost been at my current job for two years and I can feel the itch to move on to the next, but I am trying to hold out and stay with it. I don’t know why I can’t seem to commit beyond that, but in my job I have always found myself looking for the next thing.

The other area where I see a fear to commit is in personal relationships with the opposite sex. I don’t know why it is that I can’t find a guy that I feel comfortable enough with that I would want to be in a long term relationship with him. I know that I am not alone in this. Every day I see people getting together and breaking up. I see people who confess love get married and divorced within years. Why am I scared to be with someone? The answer is that every day love fails, and I am scared of that happening to me. I’m afraid that I will make the wrong choice, and I will be left alone.

My generation is constantly moving on to the next thing. We look for it in fashion, television, job satisfaction and relationships. So the fact that we can’t commit to a house doesn’t really surprise me. I wonder, sometimes, at what point we will decide that it’s time to settle down into a life and not have the desire to move on so quickly. I know that I want the best life that I can possibly have, and maybe there is a part of me that has bought into the thought that life is supposed to be a certain way, and if what I have going on doesn’t fit into that idea, then I haven’t been successful. I want to know that I am not just part of a generation unsatisfied, but I want to be the type of person who doesn’t fear commitment.

I don’t know how to get past this fear. I don’t want to buy into this generational curse, but sometimes I find it hard to get on the other side of it. Maybe one day, I will be able to break through it, but at the same time, I am afraid that the fear of commitment is something that I am still working on overcoming.

Pushing On

This is one of those days when writing 500 words feels overwhelming. I am tired. Physically I took today to begin working out again, and every muscle in my body is letting me know that they were there with me at the gym. Emotionally, I feel completely drained. I don’t know what is wrong with m e at the moment, but I feel as if everything is piling up and I just don’t quite know how to deal with it all. Spiritually, well, I’ve been dried up for a long time in that department.

I think sometimes that I am nowhere close to what I should be, and other days I don’t quite know how I could be anything more. I guess to me, life has just become a compilation of routines and habits. I wake up and go to work. I do what has to be done and then I come home. Throw in a few conversations with good friends, a few good choices, a few more bad choices, and wake up and do it all over again. How do we get into this monotony? At what point to we decide that average is ok? I wish that I had more motivation. I wish that there was something in me that drove me every day to be on the edge of where I was going next. I want to be constantly thinking about my next move. I want to be a living chess game.

I don’t really understand chess. I don’t know how each pawn moves, or how to take the pieces as I go. I don’t even know the point of the game, but I do know that it is all about strategy. In life, I believe that strategy is essential. If you do not know where to go next, then what is the point of the first move that you make? I look forward to moving in new directions. Learning new things excites me. I am constantly ready to know more, to be more, to do more! I think that sometimes I get so caught up in the routines that I forget to push myself forward. I get stuck.

I know that I cannot be the only one who faces this issue. I believe that is one of the greatest problems facing MOST people today. It is a sense of “Where do I go next?” I see it in college students who have graduated. I see it in young girls with broken hearts. I see it every day in people who have lost their jobs. We are all asking ourselves what our next goal is. I want to be the type of person who never runs out of goals, who is constantly pushing herself onward. I don’t want to keep finding myself stuck in this rut of nothingness that tends to plague me.

I guess what I shall do is to wake up each morning with the goal to be the best version of myself. I want to push myself each day and not let what is going on hinder me from being everything that I want to be. I know that there are great things ahead of me, I just have to reach out and grab them.