I love being single. It is something that I have come to value as a gift. I think that’s why I find it funny that I feel my hear skip a beat and a catch in my breath when I read about C.S. Lewis not finding the love of his life until he was in his 50’s. Maybe I’m not as happy being single as I let on, but I know that being single is good for me right now.

I think that there is a constant battle in me between the love of being single and the desire for companionship. I want someone who loves me and I think sometimes I am made to feel as though this means I am weak. How does this desire make me weak? If I understand that I being single is a gift now, and that companionship will be a gift later, I don’t get how my desires can be bad. I get frustrated when people try to tell me how lucky I am to be single and how I need to enjoy it and not take it for granted. When, if they really knew me, they would know that I love being single and I do enjoy every moment that this gift is in my life, but that doesn’t lessen my desire for my soul mate.

God designed me to desire the other part of me. I am created to want to be with someone. It is how God meant for us to be. That is why it bothers me that people tell me all of the famous phrases you tell a single person: “It will happen when you least expect it” “It will happen in God’s timing” “When you stop looking, that is when you will find him”. While I respect everyone who tells me these things, it’s all just bullshit.

I have enjoyed being single for a long time. I am not looking for the love of my life at the current moment and while I am a strong believer that everything happens in God’s perfect timing, that is just something you tell someone when you don’t know what else to say. One time someone said that if I were in God’s will I would have already found him. I find it funny that people think they know so much about me. God and I might not be as close as we once were, but I am tired of blaming God for this. I get so angry sometimes, and bitter even, that God hasn’t put the right guy in my life, but the truth is, He’s got more for me than that.

I know that one day I will look back and all of this will make sense and I won’t have any doubts that I have gone through all of this for a reason, but I wish someone understood where I’m at. I feel like the people around me have forgotten what it is like to be in my shoes, and I agree with every other article out there…the church has seriously dropped the ball when it comes to ministering to single people who are in their late 20’s and well into their 30’s. I don’t feel comfortable there. I am not young enough to be a part of college groups and I am not married enough to be participate in the young married groups, although they are all my age. It is so frustrating and I feel like this rant is just that, a rant. Someday I will put this into the right words, and maybe someone will even listen.