I Miss Him

I miss God. I know He hasn't gone anywhere, and that it's me that has disconnected from him. I just can't seem to get back to him and I don't even know that I'm really trying. This morning I woke up and thought to myself, “Self, you should go to church.” That being said, I still didn’t go. I haven’t stopped believing in God, in fact, I know more than ever that He is real, yet I continue to live my life as though my relationship with him being on hold has no lasting effect on me.

I’ve always had a strong relationship with God. When I was younger I was completely in love with him and couldn’t imagine that I would ever have a lukewarm relationship with him, but I feel that’s where I’ve come to. I have grown content in my complacency and that bothers me. Even though it bothers me I find myself doing nothing to change it. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t feel like doing the work anymore, or if I just don’t care as much as I think I do.

I remember when my walk with God was the most important thing in my life. I spent hours in devotions, Bible study and prayer. Now it seems that I would be doing good to get an hour of that in during a week. I can’t remember at what point I stopped trying. Was it when I moved to Ormond? Was it when I realized that church seems like a breeding ground for gossips and backstabbers? I can’t really put my finger on it, but I know that something had to happen that made me say to myself that church isn’t the place I want to be.

At first, even though I wasn’t going to church, I was keeping up with my devotions and my prayer life, but the longer I was out of church and away from accountability, the harder it became to find a reason to stay close to God. I know that this all probably sounds horrible, but I am just being real here. I want this to be the place where I can come and explore my writing and who I am. Right now, this is me, naked and vulnerable.

I feel like I have disappointed God, but then I think that I don’t matter that much. God is bigger than any of us realize, and I feel like I am putting more value on me than is really there. I love him, and I know that I always will, but it seems like he has become a good friend that I get together with every now and then. I keep him updated on my life. I talk to him when I get really down, and I talk to him when I miss him a lot, but I have stopped a daily communication with him. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. I’m sure he does.