Broken

He broke me. I used to be whole for a little while. I was complete. Everything about life felt right and even the bad wasn’t all that bad. I was innocent and pure. My eyes were not clouded by bitterness or blinded by pain. I felt that my world was close to perfect. At least for a little while, I knew my life was great. And then it happened.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember feeling as though my heart was being ripped out of my chest. It stung. I can still feel the heavy sobs that continually escaped me. My eyes filled with tears and from that moment on, every time I thought of what he did, I felt those tears threaten me. It had started out as something simple, a tiny ripple that turned into a giant wave. They were two young boys playing. They didn’t know any better. How could something so small cause such great devastation?

I thought that he hung the moon. He gave me butterscotch whenever I wanted it. He taught me how to be the best at diving. He loved me completely and fully, and I loved him just the same. I couldn’t explain to you the love that I felt for him. All I know is that from that moment on love no longer meant the same. I think that at that moment part of my heart was destroyed.

After he decided that having me in his life was no longer convenient I believe that something in me decided that I would never let anyone get that close to me again. If I never let anyone in, then they could never hurt me like that. He broke me. A man that I loved almost more than anyone else in the world decided that he no longer wanted my love.

For years, every time I thought of that moment, the moment that he stopped loving me, my heart would break all over again. I think it still does, even though I pretend it doesn’t hurt anymore. I wish I could let him love me again. I wish that what he did didn’t constantly haunt me. It follows me you know. In the moments when I feel like opening up and having a real relationship, that’s when I hear it, the doubt. I can’t let anyone in for fear that my heart will be chipped away at again. It’s already damaged beyond repair. I can’t seem to find anything strong enough to put it back together again.

I’m scared that I will never be able to truly love someone. I fear that I will always hold people at arm’s length. I am constantly allowing myself to be in surface relationships. I never allow myself to be open to something real. I am scared. I am so scared that I will be ripped open, and that my heart will be torn apart, and I just can’t seem to find a reason to let that happen. I wish he hadn’t broken me.